A Romp With the Death Eaters
by Oricon
Summary: A day in the life of Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Peter likes Britney, Lucius has rosie cheeks, hobbit names, and more!
1. Voldemort has a plan

Disclaimer: I own nothing, JKR owns everything.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Voldemort has a plan.  
  
A circle of Death Eaters gathered in the Forbidden Forest waiting for their master. He was ten minutes late and everyone was getting quite upset, with the exception of Peter Pettigrew. He was singing along to the newest Britney Spears tune on his headset whilst bobbing his head.  
  
"Knock it off Peter!" shouted Snape.  
  
Peter continued bobbing his head to the music.  
  
Snape lifted one of Peter's earphones and said very audibly,"How many times do I have to tell you? Electronic devises don't work on Hogwarts' grounds."  
  
The music abruptly stopped playing along with Peter's head-bobbing.  
  
Meanwhile, something very Dark and disturbing was moving towards them in the shadows.  
  
"GEE WIZ, Look everybody!" said a rosey-cheeked Lucius. "Voldemort's here!"  
  
Snape grabbed Peter's walkman and clomped Lucius over the head with it.  
  
"Hello, all!" said Voldemort cheerfully. "Everyone have a nice day?"  
  
"Voldemort! Severus hit me on the head!" whinned Lucius as he tugged at the Dark Lord's robes.  
  
"Silence!" yelled the Dark Lord, Lucius cringed. " How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me Voldemort. I want my boys to love me, not fear me. Call me Daddy."  
  
"Why did you call us here?" Snape said lazily.  
  
"Because I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever." beamed Voldemort.  
  
"Oh Lord. We're not going back to that convent, are we? Those uniforms take all of the volume out of my hair and those tights really bind in the crotch..." said Snape with a painful look on his face.  
  
"Nuns aren't supposed to wear tights," said Voldemort slowly.  
  
"Anyway," said Snape quickly trying to cover his tracks ,"What was this plan you were talking about?"  
  
Voldemort muses some more over the mental image then begins," I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever! Dumbledore will never suspect us..." He then continues to laugh in his most evil laugh for three minutes until Snape interupts him.  
  
"Well, where is it?"  
  
"Under Hagrid's cabin," said Voldemort simply. "All we have to do is dig a great big hole under Hagrid's cabin, Dumbledore will never susp-"  
  
"Are you mad?" Snape bellowed. "Granted Hagrid's not the most clever person on the Hogwarts grounds, but I'd think he'd hear fifteen some odd Death Eaters hacking away under his house."  
  
There was a dramatic pause.  
  
"Well, I think it's a great idea," said Lucius in his most flattering voice. "Just because you can never be as evil as Voldemort..." he trailed off at the look on Voldemorts face. He had just called him Voldemort. Lucius backed away cautiously and made himself invisible behind Peter. Well, almost invisible, his white-blond hair was poking curiously out from behind Peter's head making quick jerking motions. Frightened sobs were audible.  
  
There was another dramatic pause. Then Peter said," Can we have a ping-pong table?"  
  
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Please R&R! Thank you for giving my fanfic a chance! 


	2. Digging the hideout

Chapter 2  
  
Digging the Hideout  
  
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"Get back to work, Peter! You can sew your leg back on when you've finished!" growled Voldemort.  
  
Peter was squealing in pain and clutching his half-severed leg.  
  
"Whoops! Sorry about that Peter," said Snape in a clearly sarcastic voice that no one picked up.  
  
"Gee, look everybody!" said Luciud grinning from ear to ear. "It's Nearly Leg-less Peter."  
  
Snape smacked Lucius over the head with his shovel and got back to work. The hole was halfway dug when they heard a certain half-giant trudging toward the back of his cabin. All of the Death Eaters hid including Voldemort, except for Snape, who tripped over part of Peter's leg.  
  
"Say, whatcha up ter, Professer?" said Hagrid in his unmistakable half- giant tongue.  
  
"I- uh...well, I was... um," stammered Snape. It was the first time he didn't have something smart and cunning to say. " I was looking for potion ingredients," he finally stammered out with much deliberation.  
  
"Under my hut?" asked Hagrid suspiciously, eyeing Snape closely.  
  
The Death Eaters in the bushes giggled. Wormtail let out a snort.  
  
"Um, yea. It's the only place I can find....Leg of Wormtail. Yeah, that's it," Snape recovered feebily.  
  
"Oh, I see," said Hagrid looking around at all of the shovels. "Need any help?"  
  
Thoroughly suprised by this offer Snape handed Hagrid his shovel. Seconds passed and then Hagrid emerged from the hole that had been dug directly under his cabin. "I think this might be Leg of Wormtail,"Hagrid said holding up Wormtail's severed leg,"butcha can check fer yerself."  
  
"Um, Hagrid?" Snape asked. "Could you not tell the Headmaster about this?"  
  
Hagrid blushed,"O'course not. You're my best friend." Hagrid smiled sweetly at Snape who looked thoroughly disgusted.  
  
Snape gave Hagrid a doggy treat and Hagrid went into his hut.  
  
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	3. Voldemort Summons His Death EatersAt Wal...

Chapter 3  
  
Voldemort Summons his Death Eaters....at Wal-Mart.  
  
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The dawn sun beat down on the black pavement of the Wal-Mart parking lot, and all around, people with masks and robes were appearing in thin air. They congregated in a circle around a man who was sitting on one of the swing-sets that were chained together.  
  
"Why did you call us so early? And why here?" Snape said looking up at the large building with a look of utter disgust.  
  
"Today we're going to buy furnishings for our new hideout,"said Voldemort with an excited smile on his face," you know, tables, chairs, those little adhesive butterflies that you can stick on the windows..."  
  
"Underground hideout's don't have windows,"said Lucius at once. But, at the look on Voldemort's face he backed away behind Peter.  
  
"Also," said Voldemort,"We need some Death Eater stationary. Something that will really strike fear into the hearts of the weakminded!" Voldemort smiled proudly.  
  
"Ooh!" sang Peter."I'll go get the stationary! Can I Daddy? Can I?" Peter then proceded to jump up and down like a stupid git. He then realized he only had one leg and fell over at once.  
  
"Of course," simpered Voldemort, very pleased with Peter's eagerness." Now I assign each of you some items to get, as we don't have much of a budget get something EVIL looking, but at the cheapest price. Lucius, you can get the little adhesive butterflies since I know you like them so much."  
  
Lucius stepped out from behind Peter and went sobbing into the store,"Daddy doesn't love me!!!!"  
  
"Crabbe and Goyle, since you two can't operate without one another you can go get a table and chairs."  
  
Crabbe and Goyle then proceded to the "OUT" door of the store and couldn't figure out why the door wasn't opening. Voldemort ignored them.  
  
"Severus, you can get a ping-pong table for Peter. I'm off to Circut City to get a lap top, I'll meet you back here." Voldemort disapparated.  
  
Snape walked into the store mumbling something about what a stupid job it was to get a ping-pong table. He passed Crabbe and Goyle still trying to get through the "OUT" door and went straight to the "toy" section.  
  
Meanwhile, Peter was checking out the stationary.  
  
"Flowers or Bubbles?" Peter mused. "Flowers or Bubbles?"  
  
He then caught sight of a PowerPuff Girls notebook, complete with stickers and cute little gel pen with a feather on the end.  
  
"I'll just tell him it cost less," Peter thought to himself. He walked toward the cashier and on his way passed Lucius, looking very amused as he read the back of a box of condoms.  
  
"Check the toy section," Peter said to Lucius.  
  
"I gotta try these," Lucius muttered as he stuffed the box into his robes. He then went off to the toy section.  
  
Severus, however was very pleased with himself, he had just found the last toy ping-pong table and it also converted into a pool table. A woman walked up with a small child.  
  
"I want that mommy," said the boy, pointing at the package in Snape's arms.  
  
"Excuse me, sir," said the woman. Severus knew what was coming. " My son wants this, is there any way we could have that?"  
  
"No!" shouted Snape. "This gift is for my Master. He will be very pleased. And what could you're child want with it anyway, he's clearly weakminded and pathetic. He doesn't have the coordination required to hit a ping-pong ball."  
  
The woman, now very angry, slapped Snape across the face and then proceded to snatch the package from his arms. She then shrieked for "Security". Snape ran, but not before he snatched up the first toy he could get his hands on. Voldemort would not be happy if he came back empty-handed. He passed Lucius on his way to the check-out, looking at some adhesive butterflies.  
  
"Hmmm," said Lucius. "Are these the kind he's talking about?" He shrugged his shoulders, grabbed two packs and proceded to the check out. After Lucius had checked out, he went to join the others outside. He walked through the "OUT" door and into Crabbe and Goyle. An alarm started to sound.  
  
A security guard caught up with Lucius and demanded he empty his pockets. Lucius did so. He had forgotten the pack of condoms. Voldemort then asked to speak to the guard in private. There were shrieks and screams and several flashes of green light. Voldemort walked out of the store with a grin on his face and they all apparated back to the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"Thanks, Voldemort!" Lucius said when they had gotten to the forest.  
  
"CRUCIO" shrieked Voldemort. "How many time's do I have to tell you? Call me Daddy! I only do this because I love you."  
  
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Ooooh the cliff hangers! What will Voldemort do with the stuff they got? Exactly what toy did Snape pick up? Did Crabbe and Goyle ever get into the store?  
  
For more Harry Potter fun visit: [url= Wireless Wizarding Network[/url] 


	4. Checking The Inventory

Chapter 4  
  
Checking the inventory.  
  
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"So let me get this straight," said Voldemort with a furrowed brow. " We have no table or chairs thanks to Crabbe and Goyle's stupidity. We have no ping pong table because Severus here was attacked by an army of ministry wizards?"  
  
"That's right, master," said Snape. "There was nothing I could do, they overtook me and stole the ping pong table."  
  
"Hmm. What did you get instead?"  
  
"It appears to be a stuffed bear," said Snape pulling the bear out of the package.  
  
"Oooh, mine! Mine!" squealed Peter and he grabbed the bear out of Snape's hands.  
  
Snape released the bear with a look of utter disgust.  
  
"Try me," Peter said examining the tag on the bear's tummy.  
  
He pressed the bears tummy. "I love you," cooed the bear.  
  
"I love you, too!" Peter squealed with delight. He continued to bounce up and down.  
  
"Anyway," said Voldemort. "What did you get, Lucius?"  
  
A quivering Lucius brought Voldemort the bag of items he collected from Wal- mart.  
  
"Yes, you got the adhesive butterflies. Start sticking them on the walls, Peter," he tossed the pack to Peter.  
  
"Ah," mused Voldemort as he pulled out the second item. "I'll keep these for myself..."  
  
"Um, Daddy?" said Peter in a cautious voice.  
  
"Yes, Peter, dear?" said Voldemort putting the second item in his robes.  
  
"These things aren't sticking."  
  
Everyone watched as an adhesive butterfly slid down the muddy wall and fell onto the floor. The Deatheaters waited with bated breath for the explosion that was about to ensue.  
  
Instead they were answered with," Try sticking them on that pipe over there."  
  
"What pipe?" said Peter.  
  
There was another silence. Voldemort got up, walked over to Peter and led him over to a pipe that was protruding from the muddy wall of their hideout.  
  
"Eww, smelly," said Peter.  
  
"Imperio!" shreiked Voldemort and Peter started banging his head against the pipe.  
  
"I wouldn't do that," said Snape, anticipating the worst.  
  
Peter's head continued to bang against the pipe and was beginning to visibly loosen. A stench was quickly spreading around the room.  
  
"Stop! You're going to break it! STOP!!!"  
  
The pipe burst and everone was covered in Hagrid's latest digestion. An unconsious Peter sank to the ground still clutching the Care Bear covered in half-giant poo which emitted a last, " I love you."  
  
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I know this one's not as good. I had to resort to bathroom humor. 


	5. Operation Kill Harry Potter

Chapter 5  
  
Operation Kill Harry Potter  
  
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It was a lovely, sunny day and Voldemort had summoned his Death Eaters back to the cleverly hidden hide-out. It had been several days and Voldemort judged it to be well aired out and clear of any stench that was left there by the mishap.  
  
As Voldemort walked into the underground hideaway he drew in a deep breath and sighed happily to himself. That Febreeze stuff really works, he thought. He sat down in a nonexistant chair at the nonexistant table and switched on his new shiny laptop.   
  
"Electronic devices don't work on Hogwarts grounds," Peter said remembering for once what Snape had told him.  
  
Voldemort's computer switched off.  
  
"Well," said Voldemort clearly fighting off any urge to physically hurt Peter after what happened last time. "We're not really on Hogwarts grounds, we're under it, so it doesn't count."  
  
Voldemort's computer switched back on as did Peter's headset which he was carrying in his pocket.  
  
"Oh, Baby Baby!" Peter exclaimed while putting on his headset. He then blew a giant raspberry at Snape who confiscated the walkman and spit in his face.  
  
"Now, now boys," said Voldemort for once trying to avoid an altercation. "I've been brainstorming for the past few days and have come to the conclusion that since this is a secret operation we will be in the need of codenames. First and foremost we need a title for our mission. Anybody have any ideas?"  
  
"What are we trying to do again?" Lucius said.  
  
"Kill Harry Potter, you idiot!"   
  
"Oh, yeah," said a glazed over Lucius. "Why don't we call it 'Operation Kill Harry Potter'?"  
  
"Well, it's a little bit obvious, isn't it, you dolt," sneered Snape.  
  
"No, no. I like it," said a pensive Voldemort.  
  
"I do hope you're being sarcastic. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," said Snape.  
  
"No, I'm not being sarcastic. The plan name is simple and easy to remember. If anyone in the Ministry heard it they'd never suspect us. They'd think 'Voldemort and his gang sure must be stupid to name the operation that'," said Voldemort.  
  
"Exactly," said Snape.  
  
"What?" said Voldemort.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Well, that's settled. The plan is called 'Operation Kill Harry Potter'!"  
  
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	6. Dimple Deepdelver

Chapter 6  
  
Dimple Deepdelver  
  
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"Hey you guys! Check this out! Look what I found!," exclaimed Voldemort as he was surfing the web on his brand new laptop.  
  
All of the curious Death Eaters gathered around the computer as Voldemort showed them the nifty new site he'd found.  
  
"What is it?" asked a half interested Snape.  
  
"A hobbit name generator," said Voldemort. "We can use this to make codenames for everyone."  
  
Voldemort typed in his name. It asked for a first name and a last name and he wasn't about to type Tom Riddle so instead he typed Lord Voldemort.  
  
"My name is Dimple Deepdelver!"  
  
"That is so gay," screamed Lucius and then backed away into the corner after the Dark Lord raised his wand in threat.  
  
"You next Lucius," said Voldemort.  
  
He typed in Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"You're name is Rosie Bulge," Voldemort beamed at Lucius.  
  
"That's a girl's name!" said Lucius but at the look on Voldemort's face said," and that's not a bad thing."  
  
"Alright Severus." Voldemort typed in Severus Snape. "You're name is..... Longo Brockhouse."  
  
"Hey, you're name is 'Longo'," giggled Peter.  
  
"The name fits," said a satisfied Snape. Peter stopped giggling and mused over Severus' statement.  
  
"Crabbe and Goyle, since you two are inseparable anyway well give you both the same name." Voldemort typed in Crabbe Goyle. "Your name is Grigory Danderfulff."  
  
"Shut up, Peter," he added as Peter began to mock Crabbe and Goyle's new name. "And Peter, you're name will be... Load darn it! Aw come on, you're a brand new computer! Ah, here we go, you're name is Wilibald Boggy-Hillocks."  
  
"Hey Peter," said Snape, " Your name fits, too." Snape patted the bald spot on the back of Peter's head.  
  
"Anyway," said Voldemort," we will use these walkie talkies to communicate and that's when we'll use codenames." He handed out the walkie talkies. "Tomorrow morning bright and early we're going into the castle to kill Harry Potter, alright? Everyone get some sleep, now."  
  
"That's it?" asked Snape. "Don't you think we should have a plan?"  
  
"Oh, yeah... Well nevermind about killing Harry Potter tomorrow. We'll have to wait until we have a plan. So we'll make a plan tomorrow and then we'll kill Harry Potter, how about that?"  
  
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Weird ending, I know but I couldn't think of anything. Oh and the name generator is a real site: 


	7. Author's Note

Author's Note:  
  
I am not continuing this fic here. I have written a revised version and you can continue to read it there. I made revised version longer to satisy some readers and have finally finished the 7th chapter! Please go read and review!. Thanks!  
  
Oricon 


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